N, Love, and Life
Greetings!
So first of all let me cuss out my tablet. Grr! I started typing this already and 6 paragraphs in my tablet messes up and I loose everything. I hate typing this on my lappy because it doesn't allow me to be lazy with capitalization and punctuation. Oh well. I will survive. Anyhow, here's the actual post:
So it has been a while since I have said anything, another 6 months I would wager. I have again had some more changes in life since I posted last. I know am working full time, I have a wonderful man that I am dating, and I have a few other things to mention. This might be a long post so please have a few minutes or fifteen to read it. :)
Let's start with work. On November 25th or so I was selected to be come full time at work. Totally exciting! It meant an increase in bennies, not having to work a second job to survive, and being able to focus on the career I want right now. It is also allowing me to date instead of work 80+ hours a week. I am getting older and it is high time I expanded my focus from just slaving my life away.
Yeah, I kinda sped through the work topic but, it will allow me to get to the next two faster. :P
Now, about the guy I have been dating. I won't use his real name due to the fact that this is the internet and there are crazy people out there as well as I don't have his permission to on public sites and with people that neither of us potentially know. So, for this I will call him N. So let's talk about N. :)
N is what I feel to be the once in a lifetime kind of guy. I tend to meet those at the wrong times or respectfully I tend to meet the ones that are not for me. (this is on top of all the boneheads I meet out there) I'm am honestly unsure if he is the one for me or not. I do however, hope that he is. We click very well and work well with each other. (no he does not work at my job, just to be clear) N is kind of young but his professional and financial ducks are in a row and sitting well. Unfortunately, he is similar to me in the sense that those always come first. I think though, that that is one of the reasons I am attracted to him so much, he has goals and dreams that are reasonable and make sense. He is honestly a sweetheart in a lot of ways. He was at the store buying some water and he brought two cases to me as well i was out and about with him and he just paid for the stuff i was picking out in the store without asking or even thinking twice about it. It seems kind of selfish to say these things but if you know me well and my boyfriend history you would know that I tend to end up paying for everything and taking care of everything. This to me is awesome that someone would do that, I will admit however, that it was a bit weird. Not because of anything he did, but because it is foreign to me. I am not used to someone buying me stuff or thinking about me in such ways. I am used to having to get the uncomfortable responsibility of asking for things to get done or paid for, not being surprised with it.
N is slowly hacking away at my walls, and likely without knowing it. He is doing the little things and some of the big things that I look for in a man. I am honestly unsure of how long we will work out, but I hope as of right now that it will be for a very long time. We both have our fears, things that are hard to discuss and talk about, as well as reservations as to if it can work. I would say a lot of it on my end is because it has been painful for me in the past with guys that I am really liking, they usually end up being complete pricks. On his end he feels a bit insecure because he is younger than myself and less experienced in things that normally matter to most people. I think he forgets that I'm not looking for the norm, I'm looking for the man who will love me for me, including my ever failing faults. The ones we fall for tend to have the faults we can deal with the least. I just hope this works out and very well. I could probably talk all night about N and write 100 pages, but i shan't do that. I will talk more about that handsome guy later on, maybe after we figure things out a bit more.
I think my next topic will be tobacco. I am really struggling right now. I am trying very hard to quit smoking, but after 18-19 years of it, it is proving very difficult. I have many motivations to stop one being my health. I know that most importantly I should do this for myself. I truly want to. My biggest question is this though, why is it that there is always an excuse to pick up a smoke and smoke it? Why does the smell of it drive me to want one when it is very vulgar to my senses? Why did I even screw myself over and start this crap? It's not like I didn't have to put effort into starting because I did.
Quitting smoking is a lonely battle, a very lonely battle. I have found that you can't hang out with the smokers at all, nor can you hang out with the non-smokers. Why? Because the smokers smoke and that drives you to crave and cave. Because the non-smokers will only talk about smoking if they know, even conversation about smoking for long term can put that you want a smoke in your mind. It really sucks sweaty monkey balls. I am in between a rock and a hard place and I am struggling. I have not been able to go more than 24 hours without a smoke. I am really focused on quitting, not in the sense where I only think about it but in the sense where I know I need to, I want to, and I have to. It just isn't easy. I am thankful to N for being supportive in mostly great ways. He hasn't been a pest about it (even though it bothers him), he asks only once a day about it (enough to try to keep me accountable yet not so much that it sparks a craving), and he is being as understanding as he can with it. It is just difficult because he doesn't understand it well and sometimes says the wrong thing. It's ok though, I appreciate what his motivations and intentions are. Well, enough of this before I start craving a smoke. LOL!
My last topic is going to be Love. Why love? well simply because it is a very misunderstood topic. My views may not be correct, but they are truths for me as a person. I see love as many things. You can refer back to my 2010 post about it for one way I see it. But I want to focus on romantic love. How does it start, why do we feel it, and how do we know it is true? I'll address my perspective in the same order I posed the questions. :)
Lets start with some basics. I see love as a cycle with certain redundancies. It is a stage process in my opinion. I have seen love start as lust in romantic terms, not always but most of the time. I think this because as humans we tend to be attracted to the outside first and it is natural to lust for someones body. Mind you I said natural not how it should be. some of these stages tend to be mixed up a bit too. so here are the stages as I see them.
1. Physical attraction
2. Physical lust
3. Realization
4. Doubt (self, in the other person or both)/Second thoughts
5. New love
6. Chosen Love
7. True Love
I have already mentioned the first two a bit, I would like to start with number 3 now: Realization. What do I mean by this? Well, I mean that there is a point where you start to care and you realize that you are falling for someone and not just in a lustful way. you start understanding that this person can and/or does mean more to you now. This is the stage in my opinion where you decide if it is ok to love the person and show them your true self for who you are. However, this stage tends to lead towards the next one which is doubt.
Doubt tends to be the stage where you start doubting the relationship in one of two senses. Do you doubt if the other person is sincere in what they say or do you doubt yourself and if you can handle the relationship. If you are in this stage it is normal. My best advice based upon my experience (though it may and is not all good) is to make the decision to take the risk. why? If you don't take the risk you will never know. If you leave the person behind at this stage it is more than likely you will never want to get back with them even though they are what you want and need. This too me is the most difficult stage because it is the stage where you make a decision that will affect your entire life. It's the stage where you decide this person is worth me saying I want to try to commit to you, trust you, and see what will happen. I am sure I am leaving out a lot, but mostly this stage involves self examination and decision making.
Stage 5 is where I believe that love actually comes into play with some strength. In this stage that I labeled new love people call many things. however, I define it as being the stage where things start working out, falling into place, and life truly begins together as a couple. It is still the fluffy feeling stage though, but it's also the first stage that is important to revive frequently. As is all the stages after.
Stage 5 is where you make the choice to love the other person through thick and thin. No this isn't talking about getting married, though it is integral to that. This means that you wake up every morning knowing or choosing to love the other person no matter what they say, do, or don't say or do. Some people do not do this and usually their relationship s are messy and chaotic. I truly believe that love is more than the feeling you get inside but also the decision you make every day.
Stage 6. True love:
This in my belief can only happen after some time, this happens when you and your partner are on the same page in the book of love and life. This happens when you truly trust each other and do not keep secrets. This happens when everyday you wake up and the first thing you do is recommit to your partner. This can and does happen but isn't easy t attain. Lots of choices and events have to happen first. True love doesn't grow but having all flowers and bunnies relationships. True love happens after you see who the person you love is.
true love exists but has to be worked for all the time. It is daunting but highly rewarding and awesome if you can get there. No, I have not been there yet, maybe some day, and maybe soon. Who knows.
Anyhow, I have probably ranted you eyeballs off by now so I will leave you with this one thought:
Dear reader remember, that no matter who you are or what is going on there is always hope. There is always life. As well there is always LOVE. The only person that can keep you from loving someone else is yourself. It is you decision, make it well, do not make is hasty, but make it true.
Cheers!
Kriz :)
So first of all let me cuss out my tablet. Grr! I started typing this already and 6 paragraphs in my tablet messes up and I loose everything. I hate typing this on my lappy because it doesn't allow me to be lazy with capitalization and punctuation. Oh well. I will survive. Anyhow, here's the actual post:
So it has been a while since I have said anything, another 6 months I would wager. I have again had some more changes in life since I posted last. I know am working full time, I have a wonderful man that I am dating, and I have a few other things to mention. This might be a long post so please have a few minutes or fifteen to read it. :)
Let's start with work. On November 25th or so I was selected to be come full time at work. Totally exciting! It meant an increase in bennies, not having to work a second job to survive, and being able to focus on the career I want right now. It is also allowing me to date instead of work 80+ hours a week. I am getting older and it is high time I expanded my focus from just slaving my life away.
Yeah, I kinda sped through the work topic but, it will allow me to get to the next two faster. :P
Now, about the guy I have been dating. I won't use his real name due to the fact that this is the internet and there are crazy people out there as well as I don't have his permission to on public sites and with people that neither of us potentially know. So, for this I will call him N. So let's talk about N. :)
N is what I feel to be the once in a lifetime kind of guy. I tend to meet those at the wrong times or respectfully I tend to meet the ones that are not for me. (this is on top of all the boneheads I meet out there) I'm am honestly unsure if he is the one for me or not. I do however, hope that he is. We click very well and work well with each other. (no he does not work at my job, just to be clear) N is kind of young but his professional and financial ducks are in a row and sitting well. Unfortunately, he is similar to me in the sense that those always come first. I think though, that that is one of the reasons I am attracted to him so much, he has goals and dreams that are reasonable and make sense. He is honestly a sweetheart in a lot of ways. He was at the store buying some water and he brought two cases to me as well i was out and about with him and he just paid for the stuff i was picking out in the store without asking or even thinking twice about it. It seems kind of selfish to say these things but if you know me well and my boyfriend history you would know that I tend to end up paying for everything and taking care of everything. This to me is awesome that someone would do that, I will admit however, that it was a bit weird. Not because of anything he did, but because it is foreign to me. I am not used to someone buying me stuff or thinking about me in such ways. I am used to having to get the uncomfortable responsibility of asking for things to get done or paid for, not being surprised with it.
N is slowly hacking away at my walls, and likely without knowing it. He is doing the little things and some of the big things that I look for in a man. I am honestly unsure of how long we will work out, but I hope as of right now that it will be for a very long time. We both have our fears, things that are hard to discuss and talk about, as well as reservations as to if it can work. I would say a lot of it on my end is because it has been painful for me in the past with guys that I am really liking, they usually end up being complete pricks. On his end he feels a bit insecure because he is younger than myself and less experienced in things that normally matter to most people. I think he forgets that I'm not looking for the norm, I'm looking for the man who will love me for me, including my ever failing faults. The ones we fall for tend to have the faults we can deal with the least. I just hope this works out and very well. I could probably talk all night about N and write 100 pages, but i shan't do that. I will talk more about that handsome guy later on, maybe after we figure things out a bit more.
I think my next topic will be tobacco. I am really struggling right now. I am trying very hard to quit smoking, but after 18-19 years of it, it is proving very difficult. I have many motivations to stop one being my health. I know that most importantly I should do this for myself. I truly want to. My biggest question is this though, why is it that there is always an excuse to pick up a smoke and smoke it? Why does the smell of it drive me to want one when it is very vulgar to my senses? Why did I even screw myself over and start this crap? It's not like I didn't have to put effort into starting because I did.
Quitting smoking is a lonely battle, a very lonely battle. I have found that you can't hang out with the smokers at all, nor can you hang out with the non-smokers. Why? Because the smokers smoke and that drives you to crave and cave. Because the non-smokers will only talk about smoking if they know, even conversation about smoking for long term can put that you want a smoke in your mind. It really sucks sweaty monkey balls. I am in between a rock and a hard place and I am struggling. I have not been able to go more than 24 hours without a smoke. I am really focused on quitting, not in the sense where I only think about it but in the sense where I know I need to, I want to, and I have to. It just isn't easy. I am thankful to N for being supportive in mostly great ways. He hasn't been a pest about it (even though it bothers him), he asks only once a day about it (enough to try to keep me accountable yet not so much that it sparks a craving), and he is being as understanding as he can with it. It is just difficult because he doesn't understand it well and sometimes says the wrong thing. It's ok though, I appreciate what his motivations and intentions are. Well, enough of this before I start craving a smoke. LOL!
My last topic is going to be Love. Why love? well simply because it is a very misunderstood topic. My views may not be correct, but they are truths for me as a person. I see love as many things. You can refer back to my 2010 post about it for one way I see it. But I want to focus on romantic love. How does it start, why do we feel it, and how do we know it is true? I'll address my perspective in the same order I posed the questions. :)
Lets start with some basics. I see love as a cycle with certain redundancies. It is a stage process in my opinion. I have seen love start as lust in romantic terms, not always but most of the time. I think this because as humans we tend to be attracted to the outside first and it is natural to lust for someones body. Mind you I said natural not how it should be. some of these stages tend to be mixed up a bit too. so here are the stages as I see them.
1. Physical attraction
2. Physical lust
3. Realization
4. Doubt (self, in the other person or both)/Second thoughts
5. New love
6. Chosen Love
7. True Love
I have already mentioned the first two a bit, I would like to start with number 3 now: Realization. What do I mean by this? Well, I mean that there is a point where you start to care and you realize that you are falling for someone and not just in a lustful way. you start understanding that this person can and/or does mean more to you now. This is the stage in my opinion where you decide if it is ok to love the person and show them your true self for who you are. However, this stage tends to lead towards the next one which is doubt.
Doubt tends to be the stage where you start doubting the relationship in one of two senses. Do you doubt if the other person is sincere in what they say or do you doubt yourself and if you can handle the relationship. If you are in this stage it is normal. My best advice based upon my experience (though it may and is not all good) is to make the decision to take the risk. why? If you don't take the risk you will never know. If you leave the person behind at this stage it is more than likely you will never want to get back with them even though they are what you want and need. This too me is the most difficult stage because it is the stage where you make a decision that will affect your entire life. It's the stage where you decide this person is worth me saying I want to try to commit to you, trust you, and see what will happen. I am sure I am leaving out a lot, but mostly this stage involves self examination and decision making.
Stage 5 is where I believe that love actually comes into play with some strength. In this stage that I labeled new love people call many things. however, I define it as being the stage where things start working out, falling into place, and life truly begins together as a couple. It is still the fluffy feeling stage though, but it's also the first stage that is important to revive frequently. As is all the stages after.
Stage 5 is where you make the choice to love the other person through thick and thin. No this isn't talking about getting married, though it is integral to that. This means that you wake up every morning knowing or choosing to love the other person no matter what they say, do, or don't say or do. Some people do not do this and usually their relationship s are messy and chaotic. I truly believe that love is more than the feeling you get inside but also the decision you make every day.
Stage 6. True love:
This in my belief can only happen after some time, this happens when you and your partner are on the same page in the book of love and life. This happens when you truly trust each other and do not keep secrets. This happens when everyday you wake up and the first thing you do is recommit to your partner. This can and does happen but isn't easy t attain. Lots of choices and events have to happen first. True love doesn't grow but having all flowers and bunnies relationships. True love happens after you see who the person you love is.
true love exists but has to be worked for all the time. It is daunting but highly rewarding and awesome if you can get there. No, I have not been there yet, maybe some day, and maybe soon. Who knows.
Anyhow, I have probably ranted you eyeballs off by now so I will leave you with this one thought:
Dear reader remember, that no matter who you are or what is going on there is always hope. There is always life. As well there is always LOVE. The only person that can keep you from loving someone else is yourself. It is you decision, make it well, do not make is hasty, but make it true.
Cheers!
Kriz :)
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