Marcusmaxmus's Blog

Well today has been different, and yet another day of failure. I had two cigarettes today. but am gonna cut it all off tomorrow. I don't know what else to say except still looking for work. My phone bill was due today so in about fifteen days my phone will be without service.....

Okay, so now that i have a real computer i can use more often my blogs will be more proper. This is day five of not smoking. not doing as bad with the want so far today and not so bad on the i wanna beat someone front either. It is definitely not an easy challenge but i am hoping that it will allow me more freedom and availability for other things. Thank you for everyone who has been following and i hope theres more to come soon. :) The job hunt was rather ridiculous today, absolutely nothing new posted. seems to me is that I'm having no luck and ill be finding the unemployment office on Monday. If i get denied for that I'm gonna be screwed. :(

Heh so scratch the non-smoker part as I have had three smokes in the last four days. However, it's better then I did the last time. On day four I was totally smoking again. Hopefully this lasts but I still don't know if I want it too. Well, oh well, I really still have not been given a good reason to quit yet. The only reason i'll ever want to quit for is being an asshole as normal. Ooh well such is life.

It seems to me that yes i want to love and be loved. But honestly W.T.F. is the point. When it comes to matters of the heart, when I ask someone if what I feel is returned, I get an I.D.K. what do you feel? I go through and tell them how I feel then I get a no it's over. Then I have one I'm still friends, per say, with and I still love. I know that half the shit he says is crap, hes just too scared to admit he loves someone or that something other then what's socially correct could feel so right and good. Aargh, I just want to tell him to G.T.F.H. but whatever, I guess what I need is for him too understand or even attempt to understand my side. But then its all my fault to for falling in love with him in the first place. I don't want to get over him at all or ever. I also don't believe you can truly fall for a person this deeply w/o them truly feeling something in return. Talking is pointless, emails, and texting pointless. I want to know how to get him to truly...

Okay, so as of um, five pm yesterday it was decided that I don't smoke anymore. Let's see what happens. Cold turkey is how I'm doing it, but some people use patches, lozenges, or gum.

Last night was very, very interesting..... I was summoned downstairs to the lobby to talk to some cops. First things first, big city laws suck ass. With that said I basically got booked w/o the going behind bars part. Yay I'm in San Diego PD computer. For what, you say?  Well it was for letting my buddy sleep in my van. Apparently, someone called and complained an hour before he left to go to the van. They called about someone pissing in the bushes or something. He was just sitting there playing a game when they showed up. Yay for two thirty in the morning........